"Lord, teach me to pray", part 2

Psalm 138:3
"In the day when I cried thou answered me, and strengthened me with strength in my soul."

Day after day, the drunken phone calls continued, all hours of the day, and night.  One sided conversations full of anger, and harsh, unkind words.  They were repetitive… "Don't be there when I get back".

Through all the pain, fear, and confusion, I knew deep down in my heart that this was not the man I married.  I KNEW he loved me.  I knew he loved our children.  I didn't understand what was happening.

After a month or so of these conversations, I began to wonder if I should go ahead and do as he said… pack my stuff, and leave.  There was a part of me that didn't want to do this anymore.  "Why should I have to put of with this?"  I was tempted to quit, but every time I started to entertain those thoughts, I heard God say, "no".

The pain became almost too much to bear.  Should I pack my babies, and leave??  Should I say goodbye to this home, our life together, and never look back??  Does he mean what he says?  What if  he really does 'love' this girl?  What will life be like when he does get back, will he be a drunk?  Will he be abusive?  Should I subject our young children to a harsh, angry man??

I put the boys down for a nap, and started pouring my heart out to God.  I was laying on the kitchen floor, in a fetal position.  I was crying so hard I vomited what ever my empty stomach could produce, dry heaving and gagging in complete heartache, and devastation.  I completely broke down.  I begged God to tell me what I should do!  Please God, let me leave!  Please tell me it's okay to back my bags and go home to my mom, and dad!

Im not sure how long I spent down there on that kitchen floor, crying out to God.  But one thing I do know is that he answered me.  He answered me in a way I cannot describe.   I heard him speak to me, but not in an audible way as you and I speak to each other.  I heard him speak to me in the depths of my soul… with the "ears of my heart".

He said to me, "Don't give up April.  I have plans for Jim.  I WILL use this in your life, if you trust me through it".

I heard him.

I froze.  The tears immediately stopped as perfect peace washed over me.  I got up, wiped the tears from my eyes, and looked out my kitchen window towards the heavens.  A smiled washed over my face as I looked up at God and said out loud, "Okay God.  I will trust you.  I won't give up… I promise."

In that moment I went from a victim to a warrior.  I knew in my heart I was entering the battle, and I was going to fight - ON MY KNEES.

"Ye shall not need to fight in the battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you… Fear not, nor be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord will be with you." ~ 2 Chronicles 20:17

It was a complete and total mind shift.  I didn't' know how long the battle was going to be, but I knew it was His, and that He would be there every step of the way.

I got serious with God.  I got serious about my prayer life.  I fasted, and prayed.  Fasted, and prayed.  I remember every Tuesday during that time, I didn't eat and I did as little as possible.  I tried to stay in God's word throughout the entire day, searching verses on prayer, and God's promises.  When the boys went to bed, I didn't turn on the TV, I opened my Bible.

I once heard a saying, "Go to the THRONE, and NOT THE PHONE", and that really stuck with me. When I was sad, afraid, overwhelmed, I didn't call my family and friends for comfort.  I went to THE comforter HIMSELF.

God taught me that victory in our lives depends on our willingness to hear his call to pray.

I bought the book "The power of a praying wife", by Stormie Omartian.  What a blessing that book was to me!  Whenever my heart was overwhelmed,  the examples of specific prayers and scriptures in her book really encouraged my heart.  She spoke about the power that God has put over the husband and wife relationship.  God says that "the two shall become one flesh".  That means that I can pray for my husband like no other human being on this earth: my prayers for him have more power than any other!   What a huge honor and responsibility I have before God!

I confess that before this my prayers for him were very generic.  "Lord, please watch over and protect him, etc…"  But God wants us to be specific when we pray.   Prayer truly IS POWERFUL.  God wants us to run to him in hard times.  TRUST him.  Talk to him.  He wants to rescue, and deliver us.  He wants us to BE STILL (Psalm 46:10), to "take our hands out" of what ONLY he can do.

The days continued on, and the more I sought God, the more He revealed himself to me ("Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." ~James 4:8

Although I knew God had a plan, and I chose to trust Him, I still sometimes struggled with human emotions.  There were days that pain, betrayal, and fear overwhelmed my heart.

On one particular Day in October, I took my boys to the park.  It was a beautiful day, bright blue skies, and a cool autumn breeze.  J. was due home in the next 2-3 weeks, and my mind was racing with the thoughts of "what if".  Fear overwhelmed my heart - I was allowing satan to use emotions to distract me from the promises of God.

I was pushing the boys on the swings.  They were facing away from me, so as not to see my tears.  As I pushed them, I looked up again to the sky.  "God, I am scared."

As I cried, I noticed a fairly large piece of paper moving along in the parking lot.  The parking lot was quite a distance way, yet the October breeze pushed it so gently it was slowly moving my way.
I hate litter, so I remember thinking to myself, "when that paper gets closer, I need to go grab it and throw it away".

My youngest starting sliding down in the baby seat and became uncomfortable.  I went to the front of the swings to adjust him.  When I went back to push him, I looked down and found the paper at my feet.

I picked it up.  It was a church bulletin.  I flipped it around, and HIGHLIGHTED IN YELLOW was 1 John 5:14-15.
"And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:  And if we know that he hears us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him."

Again, my tears turned into immediate, joyful uninhibited laughter!!  I was indescribably thankful… THANKFUL THAT MY GOD TOOK THE TIME TO SEND ME A PERSONAL MESSAGE!!  A personal message of encouragement from God himself as a reminder to keep praying!  To never give up.  To remember his promises!

He loved me THAT MUCH. I couldn't believe it;  my heart was overwhelmed with pure JOY.   I still have that bulletin as a reminder of the promises of God, and that sweet day in the park when he took the time to meet me where I was at, and show me how much he loves me.

I don't know where you are in your relationship with God, or even if you have one.  But I am here to tell you today that GOD IS REAL.  He is ALIVE, all powerful, and He LOVES you, just as much as he loves me!  He doesn't care what you've done, or where you've been.  He just wants you to run to HIM!

The verse on the bulletin said "Ask anything according to his will….".
We cant' pray in confidence that he will heal cancer, give us the job we want, or whatever else we may be praying for.  Some things are just not his will for our lives, but we can trust that he will work through them to accomplish His will for you.
However, I CAN be assured that it was NOT God's will that our marriage end in divorce.  It was NOT his will to allow satan to have victory in my family - to leave a heritage of divorce and defeat to my children.  These things are NOT His will.

Therefore, I knew that I could go "boldly to the throne of grace, to receive help in my time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).   I knew that "Whatever things I ask when I pray, that if I believe I will receive them, that I will have them" (Mark 11:24).  And that "if I ask, it will be given me" (Matt. 7:7).

"And God hath both raised up the Lord, and will also raise up us by his own power." (1 Cor. 6:14-16)
The power that resurrected Jesus is the SAME POWER that will resurrect the dead places in our lives - in my marriage - and put life back into it!

Let GOD BE GOD.  Let Him show forth his power, and glory through your life.  Make a decision, and cling to his promises.  Like Moses cried to the Lord… "SHOW ME YOUR GLORY!" (Ex. 33:18)
We serve the God of Moses!  Why don't we live like it????

October 2005
J. called before leaving Iraq.  Once again he said to me, "Don't be there when I get home".

I didn't listen.  I went to the base to pick him up.  He got off the bus, looked up, and our eyes met from across the parking lot.  He walked up to me, took my hand, and said, "Lets go home".  He hasn't mentioned her a day since.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

This was just one victory in what proved to be the beginning of a very long battle,  but GOD continued to show himself faithful to us!

My next blog post will begin in 2006.  Stay tuned to see what else the Lord will do!

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy". Pslam 126:5  Just one of God's promises that you, too, can claim for your own.